Träumberuf

El tiempo está de mi lado, cantaba Mick Jagger. ¿Tengo suficiente confianza en cómo llevo mi vida como para usar esa expresión? La verdad, me falta todavía. Pero no sé, será porque he visto montones de reels e imágenes de Pepe Mujica que ahora pienso: me debería chupar un huevo. Digo, sí, no seré el hombre que cambie la humanidad por 50, 100, 200 años, ¿para qué afanarse, para qué buscar la inmortalidad? Como decían mis papás, hay que esforzarse, hay que cumplir las tareas y las diligencias, no hay peor que la que no se hace, pero no te afanes en esforzarte demasiado, me decían. No estoy haciendo una apología a la mediocridad sino un abrazo a la ternura y el disfrute. Soy latino y me encanta reírme, comer y estar con la gente, es algo natural en mí. Entones, no debería preocuparme si duermo una siesta de 2 horas, siempre y cuando ya haya buscado trabajo, mantenga todo ordenado, estudie al menos lo necesario, sea limpio y me levante temprano. Cumpliendo con todo esto, siento la gratificación de mis padres en mi consciencia. Quizás no podré hacer canciones como este niño Miles, de 5 años, que es un prodigio musical, pero ¿para qué voy a hacer canciones que a nadie le interesa escuchar? Últimamente he estado escuchando harto rap de Mente Sabia y Nosecuenta, creo que tienen cosas importantes que decir, y me ayudan a sentirme parte de un grupo invisible donde compartimos códigos, expresiones y estilos. Yo estoy llegando a los 30, pero cuando me junto con gente que está en mi misma vibra no importa la edad; es acaso solo una evidencia externa de cuánto tiempo he estado dando vueltas en este mundo. A veces sueño con cosas imposibles, y me sorprende ver que a veces cumplo mis sueños. Hoy llovió una banda en Berlín, y me tuve que refugiar todo el día. Ahora, en mi lugar favorito para el estudio (biblioteca estatal) puedo al menos darme 1 hr 45 min para ponerme al día. Es mejor tarde que nunca, y puedo proyectarme para lo que haré mañana. Como les digo, no estoy apurado porque voy constante, y no estoy atrasado. No tengo por qué y no quiero ser el primero, soy solo uno más, no por mediocre, sino por voluntad de ser un hombre común. Quiero comer sopaipillas con vino navegao, pero hacer que la gente se mueva a veces es tan difícil.

Todo es vanidad

No seremos famosos, nunca. Y está bueno que sea así. Pero al menos voy a tratar de vivir una vida lo más ancha y expansiva que pueda. No por fama, sino por el gusto de que mi mente sea grande entre la gente común, la gente de a pie. Quizás algún día tenga un negocio, o pueda seguir escribiendo de una manera más seria. Es indispensable tener un ingreso aparte, esto es mi hobbie, no es una buena idea vivir por amor al arte escribiendo o tocando música. Lo bueno es que ya estoy bastante lejos de llegar a ser un escritor sucio y mediocre, borracho, que en sus alucinaciones cree que está escribiendo para una multitud, como desde un altar. No dan sino pena para el ojo de la persona común que vive con un horario. Trato de esconder mis ganas de alejarlo porque no es bueno desdeñar. Como un jardinero, me encantaría encontrar una liga y tratar de enderezar a un árbol chueco. Sería adorable ver que crece bien, verde, que los insectos revolotearan entre sus hojas, que brillara con sus frutos en primavera/verano y que se gozara con la lluvia de invierno. Pero las personas son más complejas y a veces más ariscas que las plantas.

El recurso familiar es la base que sustenta a estas personas, si el núcleo familiar no existe es difícil que la persona sienta un arraigo que lo invite a crecer. Y hay veces en donde las familias no son un entorno donde uno pueda crecer, algunas veces hasta es necesario que uno escape de ellas, pero esto no es muy común. Quizás la discusión política entre capitalismo y comunismo no es ni siquiera importante cuando se trata de criar, de ayudar a una persona. Todo esto que estoy hablando está inspirado en la tradición cristiana, en donde seguir el ejemplo del Rostro es más importante que las tendencias políticas, las cuales no tienen ninguna importancia. Lo hablo desde un tono bastante despreocupado, lo sé, pero es porque esta confianza y desprendimiento es lo que yo siento después de leer mi libro favorito de la Biblia: el Eclesiástico. Aquí dejo unos hermosos versículos: 

"24 No hay cosa mejor para el hombre sino que coma y beca, y que su alma se alegre en su trabajo. También he visto que esto es de la mano de Dios. 25 Porque ¿quién comerá, y quién se cuidará, mejor que yo? 26 Porque al hombre que le agrada, Dios le da sabiduría, ciencia y gozo; mas al pecador da el trabajo de recoger y amontonar, para darlo al que agrada a Dios. También esto es vanidad y aflicción de espíritu.

No te voy a cobrar 5 mil pesos por leer esto

Se dicen poetas y son gitanos.

Con ustedes, algunos poemas de la temporada yonki:

Drogado sin saber

toda mi búsqueda, en ámbitos de droga, ha sido para encontrar 

ese extraño estado donde prima la incertidumbre, donde todo es extraño y nuevo,

pero no lo suficiente como para sentir miedo o no lograr hacer nada en realidad.

ese estado, ha sido nombrado como el flow,

y lo puedo lograr luego de 4 horas de estudio.

el problema con la droga es que te lo da sin esfuerzo, y que te lo da sin medida, en exceso.

Habrán rebeldes que sí, pero yo creo que el ser humano no puede domar la droga sin degradarse.

Drogarse quizás es para no hacer nada, pero yo incluso descansando estoy haciendo algo.

Hay una vecina que fuma

Frente a mi casa, hay una vecina que fuma.

Siempre coincidimos: yo en la cocina y ella en el balcón.

No puedo evitar verla y sentir lástima; mientras ve el celular, como único cable a tierra,

que le da sentido de pertenencia, pienso, que es una decisión que solo le afecta, en todo sentido.

Misma sensación tengo personalmente cuando fumo marihuana. Pero lo sigo haciendo. A ver si puedo ganar.

End of season

What to write when you do not have anything special to write about? 

I have fought with all the things I believed and now I am laughing because all the battles I defended are irrelevant. So, what I can learn bout this? that the best thing in the world is to be aware, to keep a big space for silence and study everyday, as an habit, because we can believe and do many things in ways that lead us nowhere. I could be stupid for a day or two, and my mind will tell me that I am not, but at some moment I will feel that I am going in a wrong way; there are always two sides of everything.

So now on, I am only going to lead my path following people that inspire me, trying to become a good person.

Take care of your weapons, it is a rough city

 

I do not have enough strength to write today, I did many things with my mind-chakra (so you can understand it). I only have been out of my home for buying stuff for the house, but I feel amazing. I got a home (just for a month, but it feels good anyway), I am doing my hobbies, searching options for my future, and I am really tired for keep pushing myself to reach that heavenly place destined to our projects produced by discipline. Someone could say "thank god I am here"; yes, I could say that, but today I made a lucid critic to that reference to god, so I do not feel in the mood for saying it.

Today I am critic about what I desire, just because Zizek reflects on that. What is desiring this machine called Emerson? To being Chilean, a roto chileno (a man who uses the Ockham blade), a left side thinker, half sport, a guy, a blog writer, a musician, a film watcher, etc. And you know? it is good to know that you are not so different; if you were, you would not even start reading this, or you could not even start reading English.

Blessings, whatever that means.

I decide to laugh, it feels better than suffering.

They were not fooling

I have said this many times to my friends, and I will say it one again. I seen the movie "La batalla de Chile" (I, II, III) and it really touched me. I remember watching this movie before but now I gave a special attention and dedication on three consecutive nights.

Many things I can say. The inner spirit that low class chilean people used to have on those days; people that have worked most of their lives, that have few years of schooling, although are very conscience of the situation of the country. They organize with their neighbors in "villas", "poblaciones" to act in union, like a big force. In a very natural way, brilliant people show themselves, they became leaders with their speeches, and those speeches, you can see, did not have any will of convincing other people to make their own will, or to grow up their egos, no, it was not like that; by the way people acclaimed those speeches you can see that those who spoke were thinking in the wellbeing of everybody in their "villas", "poblaciones" or even trying to argue what is the best thing that their government (because they say "this is my government") should do, always in a very respectful way.

I do not know, the documentary can not show us in a proper way, what is the mindset of the people against this long majority, most of them "the poor". Those who had studies, a house, a car, a good economical situation, are against the government of Allende. Why? They make strikes with professionals along every profession (either technical or specialized like medicals, engineers, businessman, etc.) Why? I do want to know why. The government was taking away their properties? were they losing money? were they opposed to the idea of society that socialism had?

People used to be so respectful in my country, so brave, so admirable. Nowadays, what we most have are individuals who take care of themselves.

The Feeling Of Jazz by Duke Ellington and John Coltrane

 

Walking on new sidewalks. News that are coming like a message of hope. My desires fell down, my future disappeared, but one sentence of hope makes everything different. I am happy, I am hoping that, in the end, everything is going to come out well. I am a passenger in this life and my only purpose should be... I do not know, maybe live doing no harm to anyone, giving hope to people, experience a deep feeling.

Speaking of the devil, today I heard The Rite of Spring of Igor Stravinski on my way to the library. I already told somebody about my experience, but if I could give a piece of story of what I saw, I could say that nothing was the same around me. It helped me a lot to have a different point of view about life and my future. I feel that I have nothing to carry on with, only to enjoy, that was the main purpose of being here.

People that help you on your way are angels if their purpose is to give a good thing to the other. I appreciate the people I have around me, like Elton John said in Mona Lisa and Mad Hatters. I do not know, I feel like I could do whatever I want, but I must act with caution, I have passed on this path and I do not want to make the same mistake.

I am absolute free, but life is a chess game, even when you are just playing you are doing something serious, that is the way of adults life are like, and it is good.

Finally I can write listening jazz, like a badass does.

It is better when there are two. Or three. Or eight.

Still it is not enough

Seems to happen everyday. Joe Strummer on a movie playing to be a drunk guy, why then I feel a big urge to drink, smoke and follow the pulse of death? Afterwards I am standing face to face with the consequences. Everybody, even the plants and the animals, are playing to be their own nature, not acting like they were, lets say, in a movie. Maybe that is what psychiatrists mean with the dissociation of the personality. 

Begging for a change, beggars banquet, no poetry can save me, I am a don nadie.

They say I should stop apologizing. The school of NLP can say that I am not choosing the correct words. But listen up, I do not want to over work my head finding the proper words for what am I feeling. If I had a knowledge of how should I proceed, of how should I talk, then I would follow it. But I do not know, and I do not know where to search it, and it is not a priority, I have no time and no money left to spend hours and efforts buying and learning how to use the right words EXPECTING that everything is going to change. But it does not?

It is easy to be happy when you are on the top. It is easy to spend money when you have enough. In the meantime I am eating a 1,99 euro cold lunch (I have not touch a warm dish in days) in the public park with a man on my side who is smoking marihuana, and I feel the fear, what if he step in me and steal my new laptop? Entering the park, two men trying to convince me to buy marihuana. They are in the death business. But even smoking weed is not a bad thing when your financial situation it is ok. Lets die a little bit, for a couple of hour, what could happen? It is like the money the supermarkets know they are going to loose with the goods that expire or become rotten. And even I, with the minimum goods I have, sometimes spend 2 or 3 euro more, it is not too bad, I say, and really it is not. 

No fun

How can you survive to a bad day?
How can you survive to a bad week?
To a bad month?
Nothing else can I do, just to keep pushing.

On the other hand, critics destroy me: misunderstanding.
I can not turn a situation that is beyond my power
even if the self-help books tell the contrary.
My life has become miserable, my decisions putted me on this road
I am trying to do my best, I am hoping for a miracle to save me,
the only thing I receive instead is silence and nothingness. 
I fucked up
my past is attacking me, 
nobody should read this.

I thought this was a special day, full moon in Scorpio, as me.
It is nothing but a bad day

How is the world we are living today in?

Which times are we living today?

I have seen a film about the coup in Chile during the 70s
I seen that almost everyone had an opinion, 
almost everyone were very implicated in the political situation,
there were a lot of people gathering together fighting for a idea,
within both sides of the field (left and right),
and it is amazing because nowadays people are mostly individual.
They say that there is nothing new behind the sun,
so I wonder, in which time of the history people were so involved in their own?
we have found that, to make the world work,
all we have to do is to care about ourselves.
I have no problem with that, I love my individuality
and do not being responsible for the others, or carrying them.
But it is interesting,

I wonder what had happened.
Maybe you know, please tell me,
maybe a friend of yours know, please tell me.

         

One or two memories about past and one bout the future

To Katzy

Everything disappears
When I concentrate in you and only you.
My long distance desire?
To be at home with you, eating pizzas,
then going to the living room, turn the lights down low,
talk about books, experiences,
in the meantime you drink a cup of tea,
I prefer a coffee, no matter if its ten o clock at night,
but this time I drink Coca Cola
nothing is better than pizzas with Coca Cola.
I put my favorite album of Grant Green,
"Idle Moments",
and my favorite song: I Concentrate in You.
I also like Wes Montgomery.

                                              

To Nesak, the Roughest Man in Town

You know what is interesting?
That, when I was younger, I used to spend a lot of time in my computer
(my friend Peter Hangaard believes this quote:
give a man a fish and he is going to eat one day
teach a man to use the internet and he will not bother you in a day
in a week
in years)
I used to spend a lot of time in my computer.

There was an hobby I enjoyed very much
you know what is was?
I used to download music in Ares,
(the strangest versions of any song, like

Let It Be sang by The Beatles, Led Zeppelin and Nirvana,
or the time I let my computer working,
while in the meantime we had a family trip.
I wanted to see the concert Bullet in a Bible of Green Day.
I waited all day,
When I arrived home, with a great expectation,
to my surprise it was a porn movie with the same name
with girls dressed like noons. Awful. It destroyed my childhood.
Some things destroyed our childhood.

There was a time I fought with some guys of my neighborhood
they called my "hijo de puta", "hijo de la maraca"
they locked us in a football field,
that used to had big metal fences
I had to cross the fence that was like 5 meters.
I arrived home and my big brother saw me crying,
and he told me that there were thugest things in life,
that that was nothing.
More than twenty years had passed,
and it is still the same.
I do not risk too much,

I cry for little,
for me it is a lot.
In the same football field, that was made of dust
once, I made a goal,
one of my best goals in life,
it was middle field,
I could not believe it,
I was touched my magic that day. We won that day)
You know Ares, do not you?
my hobby was to write the songs and the albums in a proper way.
For example, I used to love The Offspring, so I named the songs like:

Come Out and Play - The Offspring
you see that is not the same?
and this with everything.
I used to believe that there was a band called Aereosmith
yes, Aereo, like in Spanish.
Yes, my generation grew up with those things.

                                           

One or two months in hell

Fire, don't walk with me

Life burned inside

crossing all the limits of sanity,

ignoring all the advices.

The urge to going downwards,

believing that is possible and brave.

I want to change my Idols, said,

but words left with the wind.

Because of ignorance;

The ignorance of not knowing what is worth:

A good reputation. 

No room for the prince of evil.

One cannot last with poor resources.

You can run but Son of a gun is going to cut you down

Everybody defend themselves

the ones who don't are going to embrace the law.

I cannot understand people

who fight all their lives backseat, without regrets.

I thought I could, but I gave up.

Im not a lost cause.

I prefer other things, the rest of the world is waiting for me.

To hug my friends, to breathe in peace.

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Eyes shut

Have you ever seen people

who close their eyes while they are talking with you?

I wonder, why?

To reject eyes glance?

Or because of a higher truth?

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Three days without coming home

Deep feeling of fear

gives me

Los detectives salvajes

by Roberto Bolano.