Still it is not enough

Seems to happen everyday. Joe Strummer on a movie playing to be a drunk guy, why then I feel a big urge to drink, smoke and follow the pulse of death? Afterwards I am standing face to face with the consequences. Everybody, even the plants and the animals, are playing to be their own nature, not acting like they were, lets say, in a movie. Maybe that is what psychiatrists mean with the dissociation of the personality. 

Begging for a change, beggars banquet, no poetry can save me, I am a don nadie.

They say I should stop apologizing. The school of NLP can say that I am not choosing the correct words. But listen up, I do not want to over work my head finding the proper words for what am I feeling. If I had a knowledge of how should I proceed, of how should I talk, then I would follow it. But I do not know, and I do not know where to search it, and it is not a priority, I have no time and no money left to spend hours and efforts buying and learning how to use the right words EXPECTING that everything is going to change. But it does not?

It is easy to be happy when you are on the top. It is easy to spend money when you have enough. In the meantime I am eating a 1,99 euro cold lunch (I have not touch a warm dish in days) in the public park with a man on my side who is smoking marihuana, and I feel the fear, what if he step in me and steal my new laptop? Entering the park, two men trying to convince me to buy marihuana. They are in the death business. But even smoking weed is not a bad thing when your financial situation it is ok. Lets die a little bit, for a couple of hour, what could happen? It is like the money the supermarkets know they are going to loose with the goods that expire or become rotten. And even I, with the minimum goods I have, sometimes spend 2 or 3 euro more, it is not too bad, I say, and really it is not.